I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
This is my gift to your gina
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
