you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize