I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am available for nakedness
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
