My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
they're like a gay fantastic four
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
