And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize