Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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