dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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