You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
