Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
