I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
