Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
