cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
BRING THE BAGELS
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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