does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
