I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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