He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
