We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
