Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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