i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
