can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
