I just cut my nipple shaving
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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