I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
