You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
