I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize