Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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