Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
