How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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