My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
