Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize