Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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