Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
