Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
