My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I pour the whiskey from now on
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
