Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
