I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
