they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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