found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
