if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
