So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize