Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
