I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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