fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
