i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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