i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
