I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
