i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
