So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
