those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
