My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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