Michael Bay diarrhea
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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