I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
True strength comes from lack of pants
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
