last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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