I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
