Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
