when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
